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Friday, June 10, 2005

11:28PM - Keep on truckin'!

hmmmmm...another update. and i dont think its going to be a happy one :P Just to let you know, im in a writing mood so im just gunna let it flow, sorry if its confusing, or all over the place.

today was basically the last day of highschool, even though monday is a "regular school day" I doubt many of my friends will be there. (i have to go, skipped to much this year.) I'm upset at myself because there are so many loose ends I wanted to clear up before the end of school... but here it is and even though I'm coming back for an extra year, countless other arent... and now I can't even talk to them.

for example. the other day at school this girl Michelle Coxhead that ive known since I was like 7 was being bitchy to me. I told her "i've given you no reason to be like this to me in the last 4 years of highschool." Her response: "Well, for the first 8 years of school you were the biggest jackass in the world." Nice... Maybe I was? I've tried hard to be nice to her becasue I know she was treated poorly back in the day. I don't remember everything, but I know that she was subject to much torture for her last name (sounds like Cocks head, obviously.) I kept thinking to myself... I am not the same person I was in grade 6---but its extremely unfortunate to find out that she is still the same. I wanted to tell her that, that I've become a different person and that all I put her through in the past was due to my ignorance to my actions. or how sorry I am for any hurt I may have caused her. But I didnt, instead I told her she was still "just a drama queen, and im not going to listen to her shit." Oh well, I guess I'll never see her again so it doesnt matter.

lets see. what else... Work is still just as shitty as it was when I started just over a year ago. I want to quit but I need a job and I dont want to spend any time of my summer without money.

today i was walking home from work at about 10:30 and my buddy matt drives by, gives me a lift home. he is one of the kids that is "going up to the cottage"(refer to my previous post) and he told me how vital it was that i come. maybe if i be upfront with them and tell them how im feeling theyll all tell me not to worry about it and just enjoy the weekend?
maybe not. who knows. they want to do shrooms and drink and smoke some pot and to be honest i really want to go, but i dont know what to do about my opinions of myself! (advice please)

thursday my brother chris came back from his toronto apartment, and called a friend over to hang out for a bit. they had a few drinks, made some food, and then went out, leaving the entire house riddled with random shit because he was to lazy to clean it up. i confronted him about it when he got home, told him its not my responsibility to clean up his shit (my chores involve cleaning the kitchen, doing dishes, etc. a woman, basically :P) and he just had this attitude and doesnt give a shit. i just got up, walked towards the basement door, told him "i used to like it when you came home chris," and walked downstairs. about 30 seconds later he came downstairs and came into my room and said "you know kate dumped me last night right?" (a girl he dated for what seemed like 2 weeks.) He has no idea whats going on in my life right now, but because he has "relationship troubles" i have to do his dishes? Fuck that. We all have our issues and he shouldn't be using that as an excuse to be an asshole.

thursday again, my teacher announced to us that she would not be returning next year, and wanted to acknowledge some students for various things. she gave me an award for my "sense of honor and humanitarianism." for the first time in like, 6 months, i smiled a real smile. not some fake shit i put on to make the world ignore me. it made me happy. not a lot of things do that anymore...

Hm. Another thing that happened thursday. momma and i sit down for a "little chat." we talk about school, how sorry she is that my life in highschool has been as terrible as it has. started asking me about if i think about suicide... i coudlnt be honest with her. My response: "Well, I cant say ive never thought about it because everyone has, but I've never acted on those urges. And I can't say that I want to kill myself, but I dont have a will to live either."
I think i was a little bit honest, but I should have told her how i really felt--how i think about it every day and just hope that someday i get the balls to do it. or maybe school will end and ill find what ive been needing all these years and life will be peachy? I doubt it...

okay. this is WAY to dramatic and I think maybe im just in one of those moods. if i sound like a whiney bitch im sorry.

2 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Friday, June 3, 2005

10:13PM - Whoa, an update!

Hmmmmmmmmmm. So much has happened. Let’s see:

Well, lately school has been just about the most stressful thing ive ever experienced. because i skipped so much school earlier, I am now required to make it to every single class on time till the end of the year. (Good thing there’s only a week and a day left, huh? it was a bitch a month ago though =P)

The first week before march break, I began seeing counselors regularly. Everything seemed to be getting better but...about two weeks ago I had an emotional breakdown. I was in the kitchen and I got so anxious from school and was so depressed that it put me in tears (which isnt a big deal for some, but i haven’t really cried for a few years). Now i've been put on an anti-depressant for the next year or so, and yeah.

On the bright side, I’ve lost close to 50 pounds so far. And I’m still going. People keep saying that ive lost weight and it makes me so happy but at the same time makes me sad because I know how much longer I have to go before I’m going to be comfortable with myself.

It sucks though, I wish I could have lost enough weight before summer. I was hoping to be able to have a good summer and go swimming and go to cottages instead of being so damn self-conscious. My friend is planning on going up to the cottage with a bunch of buddies but Ive been trying to think how I can lie to him about why I cant go. How fucked is that? I wish I wasn’t such a drama queen.

Current mood: frustrated

3 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Saturday, April 16, 2005

2:58PM - Life is crazy.

so i guess i should mention ive been seeing a counseller for the last few months. it started becasue i skipped so much school and my parents found out how depressed I was and now I've been going once a week.
but it helps i guess.

and im still smoking weed, even though I tried to stop (again.) not having it makes me unhappy, i guess.

hmmm. What else... I dont know. Not much going on lately. Im working tonight.

shortest update ever. :-\

3 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Friday, April 1, 2005

11:41PM - easy money!

first of all, there's a kid at my work, Sam, and he constantly 'talks shit.' He claims to be this big ladies man and all this. Guy stuff, i guess. But today I was sitting in the back room at work and he came and sat down beside me.

Sam: "Hey Alex, I fucked a girl in her van today."
Alex: "Oh yeah?" (bulllll shit)
Sam: "Well, almost..."
Alex: "What the fuck is almost?"

Anyway, the convo drifted elsewhere and we forgot about it.

The shift slowly drones by, he get sent home around 7. For some reason, he came back into work at 10 to order himself a pizza. I had just clocked-off and I was waiting for my dad to pick me up.

Now, theres an unwritten rule at Dominos: "If you want to have a good day, DO NOT bring your girlfriend/girl you want to date/good friend/anyone important" with you inside the store. IT IS A BAD IDEA. But obviously he didnt remember that, and when he came in to get his pizza he braught a girl in with him.

What he said to me earlier clicked in my head and i turned to my friend Willie. I told him what Sam was saying at the begining of the shift and I said I should walk up to him and say something about it, infront of the girl he braught in.

Willie loved this idea. So did Adam. And Mike. And Josh. I ended up with a 30$ "pot" that they swore they would give me IF i did it.
I faught with it back and forth inside my head. I really didnt want to... I felt bad, but 30$ is 30$! especially when I have NO money left!

I walked up to Sam and the girl he was standing with and I asked him: "Oh, is this the girl you were telling me about from the van today?"

I looked at him for a second, turned to her, said "good luck," and walked away.
At first I didnt think they cared and I would get the money and still not feel bad. But once I got in the back room I heard her scream "WHAT?!" and the guys with me in the back-room just crack up laughing. They gave me the money, and Sam up and smacked me with something, no idea what it was, but pretty soon my dad was there and I just left. On the way out I got quite the look from the girl... She probably thinks im a complete asshole.. =P

Oh well. Easy money.

Current mood: blah

Shatter me

Friday, March 25, 2005

7:28PM - What Happened March 24th?!

Well, okay. First of all, I know, I'm stupid, and I know, I have some stupid friends. :P

About a week ago, me and my friend Alex(yes we have the same name.) decided to get his slingshots and shoot at parked cars when we in my his van.
Then we moved on to shooting pretty much anything... This always seemed to happen after like 11pm so it was always dark. Yesterday, however, we stupidly did it in the middle of the day at about 2pm.

Me and Alex drove all over town shooting up things and then we picked up our friend Matt.

JUST as we were about to fire off our very last shot when my friends cell rang. We thought it was his girlfriend so we just continued talking. We just happened to be driving past Matt's brother walking on the street, so Matt yelled "SHOOT HIM! SHOOT HIM! THATS MY LITTLE BROTHER! SHOOT HIM!"

I fired off our last shot and turned to Alex who was still on the phone. He had a look of pure fear on his face, and hung up the phone. I looked back at Matt and then back to Alex, who says "That was the cops." I laughed and asked who it really was.
"Someone reported us shooting a paintball gun at cars." Turns out we shot some guys van when he was standing accross the street, and he jumped in and followed us. He called the Cops and told them the license plate, which led to Alex's home phone number. They called alex's house and informed his dad, who gave them alexs cell number. So, we had to drive to the Meadowvale (my town) Police Department.

Alex and I had to think of something. We werent gunna get fucked over for something stupid like this, and you know how you always think the WORST if going to happen, so we put our heads together.
We thought hard about what the cops knew about the situation.
They said we were shooting off a paintball gun, which we technically were not.
They also had no idea who was in the car. All they knew was that Alex was there with at least one more person. We headed towards the department, and I handed Matt the bong I was smoking less then 10 minutes before they called. Alex gave matt all our weed, and since they had no idea matt was in the car, he ran off with all our illegal shit... lmao (thinking about that now, if a cop had of stopped him he would have been FUCKED. he says the cops were following him too >_<)

Me and alex threw out the slingshots, and parked outside the station. He picked up his phone and called his parents. He told them what was going on, and that if they looked they would see both his paintball guns were sitting in his room. It must have been a slow day for the two cops in the sation because they second we walked inside they said "Paintball gun?" Thats when I looked at Alex, and remembered the fact that we were completely wasted, reeking of weed, and standing infront of two armed officers...
We just sort of shruged and Alex began to explain the story we came up with:

"First of all, we had no paintball gun. We were throwing paintballs out the window, and didnt shoot at anyone."
The cop told us how "technically he could arrest us for criminal mischief and that would go on our perminate record, but since it was our 'first time' he will let us off with a warning."

We walked out of the station, and turned to each other; "Never again" is something we both agreed on right then and there. We went and picked up Matt, got our stuff, and dropped Matt off at home.

As much as I wanted it to be, it wasnt over. Alex still had to deal with his parents, who thought he was shooting people with paintballs from THEIR van. He dropped me off and we figured this was the last time we would see each other for a while...

I went inside and got on my computer, awaiting a call or message from Alex. He signed on about 10 minutes after leaving my house and tells me that his parents are fine.
They didnt even get angry.
In fact, a next 10 minutes later, he was at my house, and we were smoking weed again.

and now, all is fine in the universe once more...

Current mood: horny

2 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

12:26AM - My Short Story

I started this a few months ago and didnt finish it. Tommorow is the FINAL due date so I had to finished it. I wrote 1200 words and 6 pages since 10am yesterday morning... anyway, here it is:

*Note* The format may confuse you because I copied it from Microsoft word and I'm to lazy to make it look better. *End note*

A Normal Day
Be Careful what You Wish for
By: Alex Harron

Becky had been at Elvis Presley High School for four years, and it all that time, the hallways had never seemed so empty. Walking down the locker-filled corridors was once a daily occurrence, but they had never been this quiet… The eerie silence of vacant locked classrooms just didn’t seem right.
“Just get to the locker and grab your stuff,” Becky told herself. During all the chaos of that day, she hadn’t had a chance to grab her bag. Though she never went anywhere without her backpack, it was really just her diary that she wanted. Everything from her life occurring over the last four years was written inside--her entire existence was recorded in that book. She could live without all the rest; it was all shit she didn’t need anyway.
At the locker, she quickly grabbed the lock and dialed the combination. As the door was pulled open, her math book, which she had crammed in the day before, plummeted loudly to the ground with a sudden bang. Instantly, memories of that afternoon nearly one month before flooded inside her head. The noise of gunshots echoed once again, creating that same fear in the pit of her stomach. It was a normal April 20th in Arizona; perfect weather pervaded. Nothing was out of the ordinary--just another day, yet nothing like today…. Today the sky cried heavy bullets of water, continuously smashing the ground. It had rained like this since that day, and hadn’t stopped.
Why couldn’t it have just been her? She’d gladly sacrifice herself if it could bring just one of those kids back. She now felt she had nothing to live for, so why? “Why couldn’t it have just been me?” No matter how many times she asked herself, she couldn’t bring them back, and she couldn’t bring HIM back. Jason… was he really gone? Every day she saw him, every day they ate lunch together, and every single day he walked her home from this very school. Was she really never going to see him again? “Just one more day!” she pleaded. One day, and she could tell him everything but how she really felt. Now, it was too late, and that day would never come.
Becky found herself kneeling on the floor, crying, broken. She had nothing left, and she could do nothing but sit on that cold linoleum floor, unable to will her legs to stand. She stayed there for what felt like an eternity… Thoughts of Jason, Thoughts of all those other teenagers who were stolen from the world, raced back and forth though her head. Becky had heard the stories of this happening before in other schools, places like Columbine or Santana High. However, she never really understood the unbelievable hurt felt by those involved. The pain of experiencing an ordeal such as a school shooting was much more psychological then any other feeling. And now she unfortunately knew how they all felt.
Becky wiped her eyes and gazed around the hallway---nobody. Not a closing door, not a footstep, not a laugh echoing from a classroom, nothing. Slowly, she grasped her textbook and peeled it open. Sitting between the hardcover and the first page was a plain white envelope, with her name carefully printed on the front. She recognized the handwriting, it was Jason’s. A wave of shock fluttered through her. A letter? “From when?” she asked herself. Irrationally, Becky tore it open, pulling the letter from its white envelope and unfolded the page

“April 15th
Dear Becky,
This letter has been written again and again inside my head since the day I met you, and I know a letter to someone isn’t the best way to approach them, but believe it or not, I’ve always been shy. It’s not usually my nature to approach girls, ask them out, or even slip a letter inside a math book when they’re writing a test. But I did! I may seem to have everything: scholarship to U of T, new Corvette from the folks, solid marks, and all the ‘right’ friends. But ironically, all I ever really wanted or needed to be happy was what I didn’t have the nerve to seek out --- you.
So here goes: I’d really like to go out this weekend. Just you and me. No groups. No friends. No worries. No excuses.
Your friend, always…

She slowly lowered the page as tears bounced off the paper. “He wanted me?” Becky read the letter again and again, each time feeling her heart twist and crack in pain. She slowly folded the letter, placed it back in her math book, and stood up. She grabbed her backpack from the floor and slid the math book back into the locker. “I can’t deal with this right now.” Her wrist-watch read 7:12am. Classes started in 40 minutes, and Mrs. Stainhi usually had the door unlocked by this time. When Becky reached the classroom, sure enough the lights were on and the door was open. She slid inside without looking at her teacher, who sat motionless, her mind plugged deep into a book. Becky moved to the very back of the room where no one sat, and chose a particularly lonely desk. She could in no way conceive of being part of any group activity. Resting on the hard plastic chair, she laid her head down and blocked out the world.

As time passed, students slowly started showing up. Of course, most had not bothered coming back; not yet. Half of them were too traumatized to leave their bedrooms, and as such, there was no way they could step foot inside this place. And after what they had all been through, no one could blame them. By 8:00am, no one had said a word to Becky. When the class bell rang, three students shuffled quickly into the room and sat down up front. As the teacher read off the newly adjusted attendance, Becky listened to the names:
“Alan Johnson?”
“Melissa Kemp?”
“Jason Lonick?” There was a short sudden stop before the teacher moved onto the next names.
Becky cringed in her seat and a silent stream of tears rolled again down her face. “Why would the teacher say his name?!” she screamed inside her head. A stagnant pool of tears gathered on the desk, as gunshots began to echo in her head once more. She began to replay the incident in her head…
There had been no warning. No soundtrack building to an entertaining climax. There had been no heroes, no villains. It was just another day – a normal day, and life just went…wrong. Horribly wrong…
Her pulse raced. Jason Lonick was actually walking her from class! Thought Becky had long fantasized about Jason and had already accepted the fact that they would never be more then mere friends. She struggled to keep her cool and continue their conversation casually, but her words stumbled over each other as they usually did when she was anxious. As they reached her locker, her mind fought to recall the locker combination. At last the clicked open and she dropped her bag onto a metal hook, turned her head to Jason and smiled. At the very moment she placed her math-text on the shelf, explosions of resonating thunder shook her frame to the very core. Frozen in panic, Becky and Jason stood in disbelief and shock.
The unfamiliar sounds triggered no memories for Becky, but both fear and television suggested the obvious; gun fire. The noise continued to attack their senses from every angle, bouncing off walls and getting seemingly louder with each echo. Only the shriek of screams could be heard overtop the bullets connecting with flesh and steal. Where were they to go? Continue towards the cafeteria or perhaps return to the math wing on the first floor? Without having a chance to think, Becky felt Jason’s hand pull her along the lockers.

“Ian Robinson?” Another absent.
“Michelle Thisby?”
With Mrs. Stainhi butchering so many class names in her daily and anally retentive attendance check, Becky was less than shocked that her own name was not read aloud. In fact, it was a blessing. Her solitude and silence could continue unabated.

Mrs. Stainhi finished the attendance, stood and walked over to the class printer. The class watched as she pulled open the paper compartment, yanked out a stack of pearl-white paper and stepped toward a cupboard full of the school supplies. A box of blue pens was pulled from the shelf, and she began handing one of each to the other students in the class. All except Becky, who was still lying quietly, head down, at the back of the room. The teacher stood at the front of the class and said. “Students, draw anything. Whatever you want, but don’t put your name on the paper. That’s all.” Mrs. Stainhi promptly returned to her comfortable desk chair and returned to her book.
Some students doodled, some chatted, and many just sat, staring into blank white space. When the period was nearly half-over a student approached the teacher’s desk, but Becky could not hear what was said. The student, Tom, returned to his seat and the teacher stood before the class.
“Tom has informed me that there to be is a News-broadcast, about the incident, playing on CNN. This room has a cable outlet and I’d be more then willing to hook it up. If no one has any objections, I will do that now….” Mrs. Stainhi’s voice trailed off.
Becky wanted to say something. She wanted to object. She wanted to scream. She wanted to run, she almost did, but her feet failed her and the world just did not want to unfold before her. She remained quiet, her eyes glued to the screen.
Having hooked up the television, Mrs. Stainhi clicked it on. She cycled through the various stations and stumbled across the correct channel. The broadcast had already started and an image of the school was being shown. Becky could faintly hear a woman’s voice playing, and the teacher turned up the volume.

“…it is believed by authorities that the shooter’s motives were based on jealousy. Amongst extra firearms, ammunition, and explosives found in the student’s home, the officers recovered AOL chat logs from the boys private computer. Messages were discovered referring to his ‘dealing with the popular kids’ and ‘4/20,’ standing for April 20th, the date of both the Columbine shooting and Hitler’s birthday.”

Another reporter is shown walking the empty halls of their high school, as he begins talking toward the camera.
“The students of Elvis Presley High have been shocked and changed forever due to the tragic events that have occurred here. At approximately twelve noon, on April 20th, 2005, a 16 year old boy opened fire on fellow students and teachers, leaving 5 dead and one student badly injured.”
Overly dramatic music began to play on the television, and a photo of one of the dead teenagers appeared on the screen. The reporter continued to talk.
“We would like you all to remember the following students, and send your prayers to them and the families from which they were taken,”
“Andy Dempe,”
“Mary Fargus.” Andy’s picture disappeared and Mary’s appeared.
“Michelle Elgy.” The photo changed once again, and the reporter continued to slowly list the names. A student sitting near the front of the class suddenly burst into tears, stood and slammed through the classroom door. Becky, startled, returned her gaze to the television. Her own picture was sitting on the screen, and the reporter clearly spoke the name “Becky Thompson.” As her jaw dropped and her eyes widened, she stood up. None of the other students looked back. Becky felt lightheaded, and fell to the ground.

Jason pulled Becky’s hand harder. “Come on, we have to get out of the school!” he shouted at her. They crouched low and headed towards another hallway when suddenly, the shots stopped. Jason gazed around the corner. “Clear!” He began to move. Becky felt her legs buckle, and her head smacked into the floor. Jason turned back and held her hand hard, falling to his knees.. He was holding his stomach with his free hand, and Becky could see the flow of red oozing over his hands and through his fingers. He stumbled to his left against the lockers, and Becky tried to move, but it was no use. All she could feel was Jason’s cold hand as her wound bled out, and her world slowly melted away…

“The only survivor, a Jason Lonick, remained in critical condition at Saint Joseph Hospital for approximately 15 days, but he is now expected to make a full recover.
The world has been rocked yet again by a tragedy that should never have taken place. It has been a month since that day and we have yet to see any governmental amendments to gun control lobbyist movements, or recommendations. One wonders how many times such willful destruction and slaughter has to occur before the public realizes the need for change. This is Ian Whine, for CNN news.”

Mrs. Stainhi returned to the television, clicked it off, and continued on with the class.

Current mood: tired

3 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Saturday, February 12, 2005

11:57PM - For anyone who is still reading...

I figured i'd give an update on what my life is right now...

I've been skipping school nearly every day since christmas. i didnt really realize it was that bad, then i thought about it and realized id missed nearly two months of school.

so. on top of that. i am smoking pot like it was nothing.. i smoke everyyy dayyyy whenever i feel like it. i tried to stop but now im smoking just as much as i used to be.

and yeah. life is shit.

5 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Saturday, October 9, 2004


This is another piece I wrote of Writers Craft (can you tell I love this class?)

The point of it was to describe an event that happened to you. Then, have it appeal to at least 3 of the 5 senses. I think I'm using all 5 in there(sight, scent, touch, taste, sound etc etc etc), but, oh well.

Unwanted and Unwelcome
By Alex -------

The fog of misty grey that enveloped the car was, in fact, the powerful blizzard that had been predicted by every local weather channel for days. The storm was so dense, falling so heavily that little more then ten feet in each direction could be seen. I felt as though we were plowing through dirty stretched cotton that was quickly torn through by the power of our vehicle. My window, cracked open slightly, echoed a whistling through my ears from the blowing torrent of wind and snow outside. For the most part, the noises of the street were strangely muted, as though a blanket had been pulled over our heads. I leaned hard into the armrest and peered out into the side-mirror, watching the white fluff race away in the refection…

With tickets to the theatre that had been purchased in the warning: “No refunds, no exchanges,” we, against our better judgments, ventured into the hurricane of frozen rain outside. We attempted to convince ourselves that by ignoring the elements, they would dissipate as quickly as they had arrived.

As our trip started, memories of snowstorms from childhood soon began creeping into my mind. The only time I have experienced and accident appeared in my brain, and I then turned to my father, who was in the driver’s seat, and mentioned that today held and eerie similarity to that night. Those thoughts and words would echo in my head until I passed into sleep later that night.

Hours passed, as we were en route, with our minivan cursing along the ever thickening layer of frost.

The first sound heard were glass beads from the rear windows dancing on the cloth upholstery behind me. Much like buckshot projected towards us, the violent hail of glass launched towards our seats. Quickly afterwards came the second sound of shards sprinkling on the stiff carpeted floor below. The crushing metal and collapsed frame of mangled iron was only heard later as my mind registered reality. It was a sound that reverberates through ones body, into the chest and further down into the pit of the stomach. That moment was in time was frozen forever after slowing to a screeching halt.

The taste of fear and nausea flooded into my mouth, like the sour taste of stomach acid from vomit, as the events all came together in my head. We had been hit; hard. At first, my brain opted to not believe what the sum of sounds really meant. As the winter air seeped through the broken windows with a mind of its own, it began invading our lungs. Just then, the piercing cold temperature made our already numb bodies shiver uncontrollably.

As I peered back through the rear window, blinding headlights violated the interior of our vehicle as if it was an intruder, appearing from nowhere. I could tell there was much more damage to the rear, then just a broken window. The rear hatch was buckled in, curved around the bumper of the Buick that hit us.
Initially, I wished to blame the other driver for the terror and damage he had caused… but it was not his fault. When we stopped at that red light, my father knew there was a chance we would get hit. He realized, just as the other vehicle’s light could be seen behind us, that the driver could not stop on that layer of ice.

Later, after the pain of whip-lash had subsided, after the rear window had been replaced, after all the damage was mended, we had not changed. Life was still the same, and nobody had been seriously injured. We were not at fault for any of the events that took place that night and the blame could not be placed. Although, my words spoken earlier that night eventually became a foreshadowing for the rest of the evening, that accident was still, and will always be: Unwanted, and unwelcome.


As for life with Alex? Same old.

Been working a lot. They never stop harassing me there. I'm thinking about quitting. I can only take so much. My manager realized he was pushing me to hard, and I told him off. He always has this smile on his face when hes joking but I just turned to him and said "Get off my back." He smiled and I said "Am I laughing?" He looked at me and said to him "Okay, I can tell by the look on your face right now that I should back off." And he just walked away.

I was half-worried he would fire me right there, but, oh well. Afterward he came up to all of us and said "I realize I may push you guys really hard sometimes, but thats just becuase I care so much about making these customers happy. You did an awesome job tonight, and the 3 of you handled it very well. So when I push you, dont take it personally because I'm just trying to make everyone happy."

So, I guess its okay. We had a 60-pie-hour, meaning that we made 60 pizza's in 60 minutes, which is a pizza a minute, which is pretty damn good if you ask me, (for 3-4 people.)
On a friday night we'll get 85-pie-hour's and a staff of 10 people have trouble with it.
I know I'm doing better, but they dont seem to want to tell me that... Ah well.

Okay, enough of work.
I've been spending so much money lately. 50$ on an MP3 Player. 50$ on DVD's/Movies. 160$ on Half-Life 2: Gold Edition Package off the internet... Man... It sucks. I'm tired of having to buy so much shitttt!

Okay. So. What now? OH OH OH! YellowCard's CD is actually REALLY good! I know, "EMO POP!" but everything but Ocean Avenue is good. I love it. Some of it sounds an awful lot like Brand New.

Okay... what else. I got CS:Source, its pretty fun. I cant wait for HL2 to actually be released so I can feel like that $160 wasnt for nothing... We'll see.

I cant seem to think of anything else to say for now. So. Thats it.

Love you all,

Current mood: I'm... Okay?

5 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Monday, September 27, 2004


this is a rant I wrote fo' school, I'm not sure if it's good or not, but I thought somoene would enjoy reading it.

My Rant
By Alex Harron

When I sat down and tried to think of something that made me truly angry, I had difficulty coming up with one specific idea. Although I am a very opinionated person, I just couldn’t think of one certain thing to write about. Instead, I chose something that wasn’t so specific, but more of a broad topic, and decided to rant about people can’t accept others for who they are due to differing opinions, values, and beliefs.

Everyone knows these people. Everyone has met one of them. Everyone has one of them as a friend. We’re all educated to be fair to others, “treat them the way we want to be treated,” or be considerate to “their” point of view. Instead, it seems as though society, at least in high-school (which in my opinion should definitely be considered as a society on its own) does not take those life-lessons seriously.
Every day, I see someone get picked on, or hear someone talk about someone else in a negative way. It bothers me that people attack others (verbally and physically) for such petty insignificant differences.

I was having a discussion with my friends the other day, while walking home from school. One of them, for some unknown reason, decided to ask the question “Did you end up with any fags in your classes?” At first, I thought that he might have just used the word “fag” as a negative term, not necessarily referring to a homosexual, but simply to insult someone else. This was not the case, however. He was asking if we ended up with any “gay people” in our classes, because he was so thrilled that his class-rooms were “fag-less.” He then referred to a close friend of mine, and said that he was rumored to be a homosexual. I thought this was absolutely ridiculous. He was so disgusted with the idea of homosexuality, that it was as if he feared meeting one, or being in contact with one.

This isn’t limited to homophobia, however. Racial discrimination and prejudice happens daily at our school as well. Whether its as small as a joke told among friends, or as serious as a verbal attack because of someone’s race, it still bothers me. People spend far to much time judging people on there look, and not who they are. I have seen many friends think low of someone else, just because they were Middle Eastern. Though most of the time, these feelings have something to do with the terrorist attacks, or religious conflict. However, sometimes it is simply because there skin is “brown.” It was as though just because they look different, they are automatically labeled as “bad people.” This stereotype is becoming more and more accepted in today’s world, and it has to stop.

Also, I have noticed, and personally experienced, Religious discrimination. I myself am an Atheist. I don’t believe in God, nor do I follow any other religious beliefs. Personally, I had no problem with other people’s religion. If they choose to believe in God, that is their choice. I will not argue it with them, and I will not challenge them about it. Many feel the need to educate others in their own religious feelings whenever the topic is discussed. I don’t have any problems with a debate, but people take it so seriously, to the point where they won’t talk to someone because of different opinions and values.

It is apparent that something needs to change in society, and specifically high-school. Obviously, strict rules and policy are ineffective in this matter, because it happens behind the teachers, principles, parents, and other authority figure’s back. Alas, the responsibility is on us, the “kids.” Opinions have to change, perspectives have to change, but most importantly, people have to change. If we all stay the same, the problem will only get worse.


Thats it. off to school I go.

Current mood: happy

4 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Sunday, September 12, 2004

4:12AM - journal

this is a simple journal made for all the ppl i love:
(in no specific order. dont be like "HOW COME THEY'RE FIRST AN IM LAST?!"


im drunk. so if i didnt put you down. come on. you know i love you.

sorry im lame. hahaha.

7 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Thursday, September 9, 2004

8:33PM - Meh....

I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

Pull me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!

So. Anyway. How goes it everyone? I'm doing significantly better since my last entry. School is going okay, but I'm trying to decide of I Like my Schedual or not. Here it is:

Day 1:
Period 1 - English
Period 2 - GLE
Period 3 - Math
Period 4 - Lunch
Period 5 - Construction Tech

Day 2:
Period 1 - Art
Period 2 - Spare Period
Period 3 - Spare Period
Period 4 - Lunch (Basically, Spare Period)
Period 5 - Weight Training

Day 3:
Period 1 - English
Period 2 - Tech
Period 3 - Math
Period 4 - Lunch
Period 5 - GLE

Day 4:
Period 1 - Art
Period 2 - Weight Training
Period 3 - Spare
Period 4 - Lunch
Period 5 - Spare

See, the Day 1 and 3 are fine, but day 2 and 4 are really fucked.
Well, Having a 3.5hour gap between my first and last class on Day 2 is a bitch, but on Day 4 I get out of school 3.5 hours early. So I'm trying to decide. What do I want to do? First of all, I'm trying to think of a class to switch with Weight Training. I *HATE HATE HATE</3* the boys in my class(even though they're hot) becuase they're all assholes. So I'm going to drop the course, and switch with something else. Me and my friend have discussed getting a membership at a REAL gym and going there, and the Weight Training course is really lame and it wont help me get into any college's. I'm thinking about transfering into a Writers Craft class, but I have to discuss it all with my rents and tutor and stuff before-hand. I'm really lookin forward to this year, which never happens. I'm already in love with my new english teacher (the one last year was a PIECE OF SHITTAAA!) and everything else seems good. We'll see. Okay, Ben is bugging me to play a game with him so I gotta go! ttyl muthaz'. "WHOS THE PUNK NOW, BIATCH?!" Night. <3333 (P.s. work sucks. *pokes your tatas.*)

Current mood: naughty

2 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Sunday, September 5, 2004

12:53AM - weirdness

*this entry contains a lot of complaining, whining, bitching, nagging, and 'PMSing' so if you dont care then dont read.*

i dunno whats up with me lately. I've been acting so weird and stuff. ive been getting jealous of lots of ppl because they always seem so happy. and i keep getting more and more depressed.

all my friends that i used to be able to rely on are moving on. I feel like I have nobody anymore. My only real-life friend that I hung out with often never talks to me anymore. at all. and i have chances to meet new people but im afraid to because I feel so ugly and fat and fear judgement.

And I'm becoming a big attention-whore with all this journal shit. I guess if i have a journal and people are reading it they wanna know whats going on with me, but i feel like im just being dramatic. :\

what the hell is wrong with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

okay enough bitching.

5 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Thursday, September 2, 2004

8:25PM - Quizes stolen from Amanda

What do the LOTR men think of you? by ladyearwentari
Name (LJ or Real)
Viggo said yourtomboyish
Orlando says the sex waswicked
Elijah imaginednaked
Sean B could notstop wondering if you would join him and Viggo in a threesome
Karl freaked out whenhe saw your big ass
Dom thinks you lookhe couldn't find words to describe how ugly you looked
Billy noticedyou stole his kilt
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Stripper Info by radioface
first name
Stripper Name:Bebe
Specialty:mastering those stilettos
Customers say:"Can legs DO that??"
Quiz created with MemeGen!

LJ House Party by fayray
The DJ___020603
The Drunkhello_im_tab
The Hottiebeautifulsin69
The Wallflowerwataresistant
The Playertravisroxmysox
The Gamblerkellogs
The Horny Onekitten_w_hammer
The Crasherlost_but_here
The Love Interestxxandixx_69
How many people got laid90
Chances the party will be a sucess: 9%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...delicious
Your hugs are...to die for
Your eyes...twinkle in the moonlight
Your touch is...the only thing I desire
Your smell is...exotic
Your smile is...amazing
Your love is...unique
Quiz created with MemeGen!

more later.

2 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Thursday, August 26, 2004

1:28AM - Yeah...

Sorry I've been such a dick the last little while. Had a rough few days and I took it out on a few people.

So yeah. Sorry everyone.


2 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Monday, August 23, 2004

8:14PM - not a good day.

today was a very bad day.
i woke up, 2 hours later then i wanted to, and I get a call from work. they need me to work. i ask them to find someone else, but im there last chance. so i go work. from the second I get there, they never leave me alone. they keep hassling me, and hassling me, and if i get upset about it at all, they simply say "it was just a joke" an act as though its my fault.

so yeah. after 2 hours of that. i snap. basically tell the owners son to fuck off becuase im tried of getting shit. "im just joking."

so, after work ends i call my brother up:
"Greg, can you come get me. you said you would."
"sorry im at the mall."
so yeah, broken promise.

I call my mom. no luck. she asks why I dont call greg and ask him to pick me up.
"greg told me he would pick me up but hes at the mall because hes an asshole."
she yells at me for calling him an asshole.

so. i walk home. on the way home i get hassled by some black guy. "hey, whats up man." i didnt pay attention so he turns to his friend and says "this guy just called you stupid." i am then subjected to a flurry of "hey you fat fuck" and "fuck you fatty." I continue on my merry way.

i get home. woooohoo the doors locked. have to get key out of the broken-garage that doesnt open. as im opening door i cut the fuck out of my hand. what fun.

now. i come home and find two things:

my brother and his friend went through a bunch of my stuff in my room. what fun. but they're at that mall anyway, and im sure "it was just a joke."

and two, that amanda feels that we should stop talking because i upset her and she cant handle it. or something. yippee. another friend hates me.

whatever. im tired of getting all this crap about walking too and from work. I hate it. people are like "come on you fat ass you could use the exersise." Well, i'm tired of getting harassed because theres always some asshole just waiting for me to walk by. They think its because i dont want to walk. no. its because people suck. and i hate them. and htey make me want to slit my wrists or jump off a building. but dont worry, its because im 'fat and cant handle walking 30 minutes.;

so. fuck this place. and fuck you all. goodday.

</3 EDIT: oh yeah. brother came home with movies and pizza. pizza from the store that i work at. and movies from the Rogers Video next-door to Dominos. fucking idiot. 10 minutes after i get home.

Current mood: who the fuck cares?

3 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Sunday, August 22, 2004

11:38AM - weird night.

last night was weirddd. crazy crazy dreams. the first dream was me going to see MSI in concert. I was all excited and everything, so we went to a party before hand to get drunk. (lol) When I go to the party, this asshole i knew back in 6th grade was there. Also, Dallas and Tabby from school where there, that was fun. anyway, back to the asshole: I tried to ignore him but he kept buggin me. So later im looking at my ticket, and he runs up and RIPS it right in half, along the "void if torn" thing. I was HEARTBROKEN! I got sooooo mad. I wanted to fight him (in my dream) but for some reason I passed out... in my dream.

when I woke up tabby was there. me and tabby when on a bike ride. I dunno why. I dunno where. I think we went to the park. Anyway, then, it was like i was in a totally different dream. ummm. im having trouble remember exactly what happened with this dream. something about boucing around and shit. anyway.

regardless of that dream, i ended up in my room. except it wasnt my room. it was FUCKING CRAZY.

There were like GIANT bedroom in the house that had holes in the middle of the bed, and underneith them were GIANT factory-size jungle-gyms. Anyone who lives in mississauga that's been to "Kids-Sport" knows what im talking about. I had kids-sport under my bed. for some reason, my brother and I BEAT THE SHIT out of each other for sooo long. We were smashing each others faces into walls, and all this shit, but it was like cartoon violence. there was also all these crazy things in my room like fire-crackers that shot out at my brother like rockets and shit. it was soooo weird. anyway. after I KICKED MY BROTHERS ASS BIGTIME he ran off and I locked the door. I began piling stuff against the door and slowly made it so my brother couldnt get back in. when he came back, he started punching the door, and it was really cool. every time he hit it, the door would have little imprints from his fists. eventually he ripped throught the door and climbed though all the crap I set up. it was odd. then my mom braught us a cake and we ate it. it was good.

then it switched to a differnet dream where we were all upstairs(my rooms in the basement) and my house was normal again. We were looking outside, for some reason there was like 10 feet of snow outside, and Holly(my cat. we got her at christmas so we named er' holly. <333) was being attacked by like 5 other cats! (ahhh! my cat used to fight other cats on our street because theres so many, and last time she was seriously hurt and needed surgury so we keep her inside and dont let her out.) anyway. so these cats were about to fight her and we were like "AAAHH! HOLLY-CAT!(thats what we call her)" and we ran out and I was like "HEY YOU STUPID CATS!" and they all ran off. but holly (somehow, in like a split second) got beat up. poor kitty.

then i woke up. there was a lot of other stuff but its to much for me to remember.
it was fooking crazy though.

anyway. with my digital cable channals i get the music channals. each station plays a different type of music. well, i found the "Nature" channal! it plays nature sounds. like, birds and crickets and the sounds of the ocean and stuff. i put it on before i go to bed and it plays all night. its pretty neato.

umm. this entry has been crazy enough already so im not gunna bother writing more. enjoy everyone, i know I did. XD

bye bye, much love

Current mood: dreamy

2 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

8:13PM - Yeah I know...

I know I havent posted much lately. Been very busy. But I will be posting again! Worry not! :)

4 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

5:44PM - whoa.

I got piss drunk last night, went to bed around 5am, and woke up at 5pm. O_O

It sucks. I basically slept away the entire day! hmph.

So what now? Hrmmmm, oh yeah. I CANNOT DRINK WHISKEY.
We're just drinking beer and coolers right, nothing unusual. He pulls out this little bottle of whiskey and I drink half of it.
My reaction: *cough*....*COUGH*... *puke.* whoaaaaa. wtf? thats never happened to me befo----*PUKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*

>_< I dunno, I've never had that happen to me, even when I'm doing straight shots of vodka, rum, etc.

Anyway, after I threw up. I stood up, felt FINE, like, absolutely perfect, and continued to drink a few more bottles.

I realized something. I have a slight obsession with movies. I want like 2 movies a day, minimum. Thats just weird.

I had a weird dream last night that I baught Kantana's. wtf? Oh well. It was funny because I baught them over the phone from some store, and after I agreed to buy them they magically appeared in my hand, so I was all "ok away, I dont have to pay the bitch." Then I looked in my wallet and all my money was gone. Son of a bitch.

anyway. I'm watching this movie right now, called Detention. Theses guys shoot wildly at this person and kill him. They must have fired like 50 shots. Then after they stop firing, some guy in there group yells about something and the other person tells him to be quiet.
Be quiet? The just shot the FUCK out of everything in that basement, they cant be much louder then that, i mean come on.

"Pea... Tear.... Griffin! Yeah! My name is Peter Griffin!... Aw crap."

2 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Monday, August 9, 2004

4:09AM - update time, yayyyy!

My mood is Recumbent. I dunno what it means, but its got cum in it so I thought it was funny. XD

Anyway. Lets see. Next week is the wedding of a family friend. Heres the story.

Mike and Jess, met long long ago, and began dating when they were in Grade 8. They are now in there 3-4th years of College/University. Who says it'll never work out? There getting married this saterday. Been engaged since highschool. Isnt that awesome?

Anywho, guess whatttt? I'm working Saterday. I dont get to be there. :( I'm gunna see what I can do, ask the manager If I can switch days... we'll see.

So like, yeahhhhhhhhh. What now?

ummmm. *randomly spams pictures of his penis*

Okay. I cant think of anything to write about now so im gunna call this entry OVER.

Current mood: recumbent

1 picked up the shards * Shatter me

Thursday, August 5, 2004

5:02PM - hrm

Your LJ RPG Team
LJ Username
Favorite Color
Weapon of Choice
Your Partner lost_but_here
Your Warrior mellypoo
The Giggly, Flirtatious Magic User with Big Breasts serenityk14
The Talking Animal kitten_w_hammer
Main Archenemy mellypoo
Evil Incarnate serenityk14
This cool quiz by ass_ - Taken 96639 Times.
New! Get Free Horoscopes from Kwiz.Biz

never done one of these so I tried it. :-P Weirdness.

3 picked up the shards * Shatter me

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